Do You Listen to Understand? Or Just solve?
“The human soul doesn’t want to be advised or fixed or saved. It simply wants to be witnessed — to be seen, heard and companioned exactly as it is.” Parker J. Palmer
Our very first date was all about talking and listening. We were sharing stories of our lives. What we were doing, what we liked, and what we didn’t. It was all so deep and important and impossibly earnest! Or so we thought. But it was special too!
Marriage came, euphoria slowly went. Life became a series of weeks, months, and years. All were dotted with happy moments, crappy fights, and decisions to be made. All pretty normal really!
If Phil had had the courage, he’d have said “she talks too much!” If I’d had the courage I’d have said “he doesn’t listen”. We still loved each other so it seemed like this was what we had to live with.
With a bit of insight and training, we began to discover that the reason we ended up at war when one of us wanted to talk about something was quite simple. We didn’t feel heard.
Some People Just Problem Solve Instinctively
Phil, the scientist, assumed my story was needing his problem-solving skills. At work, that’s what he was required to do, if 
someone came to him with a problem. So, if I shared a story, I got advice and problem-solving in return.
That led me to interpret his helpfulness as criticism. I thought my feelings and ideas were being found wanting or unsatisfactory, because he had a better solution. Of course, he couldn’t work out why I just got shitty in response. After all he was offering solutions. Wasn’t that why I was telling him this story?
Neither of us could express our frustrations!
How Can You Be Heard?
How often do you feel heard when you share a story or problem? The Power of Listening is often underestimated. It’s definitely vital for effective communication in our relationship. Remember we have 2 ears and 1 mouth. That’s a good guide for the priorities!
How often do you rush to solve your partner’s problem? If your priority is to “help my partner”, then perhaps you need to check in with your partner. Maybe the help they want is a solution or maybe it’s to be heard! Probably worth asking!
How much do you just want to be heard, held and empathised with? After all you’ve got big grown-up pants these days! You can probably solve most of your problems yourself. If someone would just listen while you spell it out, and allowed you to hear the solutions coming out of your own story for yourself.
Do you resonate with our story?
What can you learn from recalling your own stories like these?
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Till next time
Love Chris!