You’ve Heard the Relationship Advice a Million Times …
We certainly knew when we got married that we were supposed to work at marriage. But strangely, no-one ever told us how. Not that we actually thought to ask anyone, either. We just assumed we knew. And anyway, we were in love, and probably wouldn’t need to know! After all, our relationship was perfection. Look at the stars in our eyes!
Is that how things were when you two began your “us” life together?
Like everyone else we thought intimacy meant sex. And we’d figured out we could do that pretty well! So, we assumed that we must be doing this “working at relationship” stuff right. (Talk about naive!)
How did we Learn About Intimacy?
I think the turnkey moment for us was when we read Gary Chapman’s book The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate. But I have to tell you, that was probably 25 years down the track! (Yes! Slow learners for two intelligent people.) But, it was like a light bulb moment. We soon discovered that it was simple and astoundingly effective! All we had to do was remember to express our love in the other person’s love language. Yep! THAT easy!
In Chapman’s book, he talks about an Emotional Love Tank. It’s a simple premise. If you don’t refuel the petrol tank, the car won’t go! If you don’t top up the water in your Nespresso machine, no amount of pods are going to give you that wonderful smell, or that delicious crema you’re so addicted to. It’s missing an essential ingredient.
Similarly, if you don’t put love into your relationship’s love tank, it’s not going to nurture either of you! And, if you stay like that long enough, the relationship will rot away.
As more articles on intimacy appear here on Relationship Mojo you will hear much more about Chapman’s Love Languages. And there is good reason for that. Why would I bother to reinvent the wheel just to be unique? There are far too many excellent tools out there for helping us all keep on track in our relationships. I’m here to mentor you, and hold your hand on the occasions when you need it. I’m your resource!
But let’s briefly return to Love Languages. Why? Because that’s usually where I start working with couples. Most definitely it is the starting point, when the couple are seriously lacking in relationship mojo! I figure, they’re not going to be able to do anything to get the relationship rolling again, until they’ve put some love back in their tank. It would be like trying to make a starving horse win the Melbourne Cup.
Most people get married believing a myth that marriage is beautiful box full of all the things they have longed for; Companionship, intimacy, friendship etc … The truth is, that marriage at the start is an empty box, you must put something in before you can take anything out. There is no love in marriage, love is in people, and people put love in marriage. There is no romance in marriage, you have to infuse it into your marriage. A couple must learn the art, and form the habit of giving, loving, serving, praising, of keeping the box full. If you take out more than you put in, the box will be empty. Unknown
So when I read this lovely anonymous thought bubble on Love Quotes, I was instantly prompted to ask myself where is the gauge on our own Owen “love tank”?
How is Our Intimacy at the Moment?
Honestly? I don’t think it’s in the best shape. I know I have been taking out a fair bit recently. It’s been an interesting start to 2017. My mother died. After the stress of that, I got really ill for several weeks. We’ve both worked our arses off to get this website up. And now I am about to have surgery on my neck. Not the most peaceful start to the year!
So, there hasn’t been time or energy for dates, nor many long talks, or long cuddles. I’ve been trying to do things for Phil as much as I can, but I still think the tank needs topping up by me. Because Phil has been quite the tower of strength through all that. So it’s back to basics for us. Making sure we focus on expressing our love in each other’s language.
How’s the Intimacy Dial at Your Place?
So what about you two?
If you had a gauge on the side of your love tank, what would it be showing?
So, what is one thing you could do TODAY to add a few drops or even the odd trickle of love and nurture back into your tank? Hint: you could always read or reread The Five Love Languages. Go on, you could listen to it on Audible on the way to work. In the car, or on the train/tram/bus. You could listen while you run on the treadmill, or pound the streets.
Did your bum hurt then? Because, it just got a not so gentle kick! So, no excuses! Do one simple thing for the sake of your relationship!